I wake up, laying in our tent, buried under two fat fluffy winter sleepingbags. I hear the birds sing their first song, I breath the crispy air and when I peek under the fly I see the grass shimmering with ice crystals. It’s friday and it’s the first day I don’t think of the diagnosis first thing in the morning. It’s maybe my second thought, but still…
This weekend we teach apache scout skills in our wilderness school. Our students learn how to move through nature, unheard, unseen, leaving no trace. It’s not only a set of physical skills but the real power comes from mental skills, a strong mind and a hungry but peaceful soul. Daniel and I teach them how to walk, run, crawl as silent as can possibly be; how to listen to their intuition; how to merge with the environment.
It’s funny how after just a few days back at home in our tiny cabin in Germany, I feel a bit better already. As if nature, the birds and the deer I meet early in the morning soothe my soul. It doesn’t change a thing about my situation, hip dysplasia is still hip dysplasia, but it does change the way I deal with it. Of course I’ve been in shock the first few days, and even now it’s still on my mind for most of the time, but it’s crazy how it already starts to teach me… Life works in mysterious ways!
I know everything can be used as a wake-up call, anything, even the smallest, but often we (well at least I) don’t see it, we don’t use it, we let it slide by and wait for something bigger to finally shake us up and kick our ass. So much is out of our hands and at the same time sooo much is in our hands. We have the power to decide. Like what the answer is to the question of Mary Oliver’s poem “The Summer Day” so often quoted all over the internet: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” (The fact alone that I/we can ask this question, puts me/us in an privileged position.)
I’ve been receiving quite some wake-up calls in the short 32 years of my life. One louder than the other. Some I didn’t wanna take, others were really just a chat. But yes, here we go again, this is the loudest wake-up call since my mountain lion encounter, this is once again the reminder that I don’t have time to waste, that I shouldn’t wait until tomorrow, that LIFE IS HAPPENING NOW! This is it. Life. With all its ugly and beautiful faces, with all its nights and days and inbetweens. Just like nature. Inbetween the mud and the clear blue sky anything is possible.
Anything… like hiking to Canada? I’m sure it’s possible. But maybe what I need to learn here is that staying true to myself (and being good to my body) is more important than staying true to the thru; maybe I need to learn that dreams are not shattered just altered; maybe I need to learn that I don’t have to worry so much about what others think. It is truely time to hike my own hike, even if that includes a bike.
Am I enlightened now? Hell no, I spend my fair amount of time crying in the closet (asking silly questions like “why me?” and “why now?” haha, I know, I’m sure I’ll be over that phase soon ;c).
Did I hear the wake up call? Yes I did. One moment I take it, the other I don’t but eventually I will face it and I will get through. I am alive. And I am grateful! And though the title of my last post was “fighting the storm” I now feel like “fighting it” isn’t the right expression. Rather I accept it and I will deal with it and I will make the best out of whatever crosses my path.
When I get out of the tent the sun is climbing the sky already. The ice crystals have disappeared. My students have prepared breakfast and coffee. Nature is like a plaster to my wounded soul.
The sun, the birds, the smell of spring in the air. Boy am I lucky!
Life is now! Live it now! Don’t wait until tomorrow!!!
PS: I plan to live my one wild and precious life to the fullest! No matter what!