Writing about hiking is easy. It’s the other things that happen inbetween that are more difficult to write about, harder to deal with. Even more so when those inbetweens seem to have planned a “coup”. I guess it’s no surprise when I tell you I went to hospital again yesterday. And maybe it’s no surprise either that the news I keep hearing out of doctors’ mouths keeps getting worse. And still, once again, I wasn’t prepared. Two weeks ago I wasn’t ready to hear I have hip dysplasia on my left hip and yesterday I wasn’t ready to hear I have it on my right hip too. FUCK that! Fuck fuck fuck! Ya, sorry, but my old readers are used to the “fucks” aren’t you? I have gotten too polite lately. But I can’t be polite about this. This. sucks. big. time. So yes, FUCK! I went to see another specialist yesterday, and while he was examining me, he just mentioned my other hip… in a side sentence, like as if it was no big deal. I told him “Wait? What? I only have this in my left hip.” And he said “No, you have it in your right hip too.” Bamn. Thank you. In my face.
Here we go again… I’m in shock. I’ve gone through this once before so I guess this time, I’ll move through the stages of dealing with this shit faster. Numb. Shock. Realization. Fight. Disbelieve. Saddness. Acceptance. It’s a mess. Not a beautiful mess. Life. Alright, sometimes it’s a beautiful mess.
I feel like I’m one hundred persons in one dealing with this. One person is absolutely shattered. To the ground. Face in the dirt. Spitting out the dust that tastes like bad diagnoses ruining dreams. The other person is in disbelieve. This can’t be happening. Not me. They made a mistake. They swapped my Xrays. Then there’s the little girl hiding behind the door, scared to the deepest of her bones. How the hell are they gonna break my hip 6 times and how the hell will I ever walk again? Good thing there’s the person who believes everything happens for a reason. Maybe this will make me a better person, maybe I will be able to encourage other people. I can’t see it yet, but I know, that in the future I will look back and still be grateful, even for the pain, because it will have made a difference, in one way or another. And then of course there’s the tough one, the one who knows she is strong enough to handle this, the one whose answer to all this is: “Try me, dare me!”
I know I’m each one of these persons. I’m human. Nothing more. Nothing less. When people tell me, I should be glad I’m alive, I know they are right. You are right. And I’m glad I’m alive! Hell yes I am!!! But I still need to go through the stages of coping. I’m no hero jumping from numbness to acceptance. And I don’t want to. I need to feel this. Even though not feeling sounds absolutely good and appealing to me today. Of course I’m glad I’m alive. I have the best partner in the world. I have a great family. I have the coolest job. I have money… damn no… I don’t have money but that’s not what is important anyway hahaha (see I can still laugh :c)
Today I don’t have wise words to end my blogpost with. Or wait… maybe I do… “I’m still hot so that’s one thing I got?” Na I better just keep my mouth shut now. One thing I really learn though right now, is that everyone really has an own path in life. I’ve “known” that for a long time. But I feel like I start to incorporate it. The things happening to me right now, I wouldn’t have chosen them, but they make my path very unique, they force me to be me, they will make me stronger, more compassionate and open. This is my path. This is me.
PS: Plan B is getting more real now. I won’t be able to thruhike the PCT, which doesn’t mean I’m not gonna try to make the best out of it. So I will start in Campo as planned (I need that momument start), then switch to riding bike in southern California (I don’t wanna put too much strain on my hips by carrying all the extra water), add a huge loop (by bike) along Grand Canyon NP, Zion NP, Arches NP,… , leave the bike at a friends’ place in Mammoth, hike the JMT nobo, jump back on the bike for the rest of California and after that…. I stopped planning. I secretly hope to be able to hike all of Oregon and I definitely wanna hike Goat rocks and the Cascades. So eh, ya it’s gonna be big. Plan B with a BIG B!
I will need help from people living on the West Coast (California, Oregon, Washington) for plan B, because I need places where I can leave my bike in a garage (or a shed or something) when I’m hiking. So if you live on the West Coast (well or anywhere near the PCT or the Sierra-Cascade Bicycle Route) and if you would be willing to help me, I’d be really really grateful if you’d get in touch with me (click on “contact” in the right upper corner of my website)!!! I hope to create a list of people who I could contact or with whom I could leave my bike. THANK YOU SO MUCH in advance!