aka PCT day 53 – June 11th 2015: Upper Cathedral Lake – Tuolumne Meadows – Lyell Canyon – Lake underneath Donahue Pass, 15-16 ml
Bad sleep. So tired. Condensation. Everything damp. But the sky is clear. My heart weeps walking over the sandy patch of soil next to Cathedral Peak where I first met MG and TAW two years ago. I wanna sit down and cry but I walk on, down to Tuolumne.
The trees breath their damp breath into the warmer getting air. It’s beautiful. We have breakfast at the grill but it’s frikkin not worth the money. My food is cold and not well cooked.
A lady who can’t finish her plate gives us her left overs. I feel like we’re treated as homeless people, but I know she just wants to be kind to us. She says she always feels sorry for us hikers. Poor lady, how would she know nature is our home and maybe she should rather feel sorry for those millions of people caught in cities, fulltime jobs and unhappy relationships.
We do a quick resupply in the tiny store and then head on towards Lyell Canyon.
How much at peace I was yesterday, today is the other way around. Today I feel haunted by memories. I pick a fight with HQ so I don’t need to feel. I am a bitch sometimes. I miss my friend. My friend that I found two years ago and shortly after that lost again. 2 years ago I knew he was somewhere behind me when I hiked through Lyell alone. Now I know he is nowhere near. When I’m out of Lyell Canyon and start climbing Donahue Pass I can hardly breath. I stop in the middle of the climb and cry all the shit out of me. Fuck you memories. Fuck you TAW. I need to let go. I stop crying and start climbing the fuck out of my body so that the pain in my body hurts more than the pain in my soul. I know I’m stupid. Sometimes I need to be. I’m only a stupid girl. We reach the lake underneath Donahue Pass. Quickly set up the tent, put our headnets on and have dinner together with hundreds of mosquitoes. I don’t even really care. After dinner we hide in our tent. And then heaven opens its gates. The thunder rolls in the sky and echoes in the mountains. Hail falls down, loud and hard. Nature mirrors my feelings. Along with the thunder, along with the hail, I cry, I pray, I share all my saddest feelings, my anger, my disappointment with HQ. Instead of picking a fight with him this morning, I should have shared my feelings right away. But I’m not good in sharing my dark and deepest feelings. They slowly grow like a thundercloud in the sky and then when I can’t hold it anymore, the storm rolls over me. One day I’ll learn to not let the thundercloud grow. Not today though. Not today.